Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Candles never taste the way they smell
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket