Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I wanna be friends with this person
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..