english majors be like furthermore
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ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.