(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
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Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…