Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon