just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Lube but for my dry humor.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.