At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
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Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
You know I’m something of a chef myself
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
You can’t outrun your problems…
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Otters see a butterfly.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.