Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
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Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My dad.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
cyclists
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”