A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?