Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
emergency phone
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today