My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…