Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
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[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.