Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.