*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
You Might Also Like
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.