“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
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I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”