ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
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Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Imagine having a party on purpose.