the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
won’t smith
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*