Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Unimpressed
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.