I will cook for you
-me, threatening
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.