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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
New menu item
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*