If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
welp
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon