As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]