[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Wednesday
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep