It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
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No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
<- sleeps well with others
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!