Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Cool shirt 🙂
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*