i need a six-month vacation twice a year
You Might Also Like
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
motivation
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.