My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
All generalizations are stupid.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.