French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
You Might Also Like
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Omg 🤣
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!