For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Geez man, take it easy.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.