Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m too immature for adultery.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.