[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Basically.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.