I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
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People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Mountain Goat : )
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.