Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
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INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Finally
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?