*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
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“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Was it something I said?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.