Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”