Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
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they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.