[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Your honor these allegations are
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?