Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.