[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
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Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.