Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
this is the news I live for
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.