Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
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A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out