common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
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“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
sigh
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”