This meal prepping shit easy
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”