My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn