I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going