My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
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One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.