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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.