Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I only eat vegetarians.
A double negative is a big no-no.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Damn he played himself
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
This can never not be funny 😭😭
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Need WebMD
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.