Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
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My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Bill is short for Billiam
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.