I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?